I begin each day asking myself what drives me to want to reach out to others. I try so hard to identify the reasons that I am driven to offer myself up as an example when I could easily wallow in self-pity and swim in fear of the next minute, hour or day, I finally came to the realization that, “I am easy to find.” You can see why here. Despite my best efforts at being an anonymous Victim, that is the Truth. Unlike the dude in the video, it isn’t a challenge to him, rather an admission to myself that hiding isn’t serving who I am as a Person.
I wasted far too much time taking bad advice from people with good intentions and hiding from the inevitable reality of his release. As it turns out, drowning in that sea of fear and denial was a blessing. It gave me time to prepare for my decision to make my story public. I have grown stronger over the past few years and I am now prepared to fight for others who face their own personal Hell. Even as I prepare for the next phase of protecting myself and my children I am preparing to do battle in a much larger arena. All of the times of denial, anger, fear, bargaining and depression had a value to me, personally, and now, I want that time in the depths of my personal hell to benefit others. I refuse to be destroyed, and I want to do my best to make sure others have the chance, not to live, but to Survive.
As I came to realize I wanted to share my story and talk about the challenges I have faced over the last … well… over a decade now, I decided my first step was to become a volunteer for a local Crisis Center that assists domestic violence victims. I have worked with one of their Directors for over eight years now so she knows me well. Once again, I was confronted with a harsh reality. The woman that I respect and trust broke the news to me that, while she believed I was “safe”, I wasn’t considered ‘safe enough’ to assist others.
Since I don’t meet the established standards for acting as a volunteer to mentor others in similar situations (12 months threat-free) – it was suggested that I seek counseling to have ‘a professional’ make sure I wouldn’t re-traumatize myself in my quest to gain the credentials to assist others. My counselor is Kyrie, and she kicks ass. I already knew some of the steps I would have to take to start this new portion of my journey through life, but having Kyrie to give me some accountability is the cure for my hesitation.
My first assignment was not only to write, but to concentrate on tackling some of my beliefs head on. Keep in mind, I am not seeing a “shrink” because I have issues in my life, it is because a person I know and respect wants me to protect myself, cherish the progress I have already made, and prepare for a new phase of life. All of that while I am facing the release of the person who wanted me to die – and (written by his own hand, still does).
The time is coming. Slowly, surely, steadily….So now here is what I think of Jason. I know he is coming eventually. Yes. He will come after me…. so, here (hopefully, not for posterity’s sake) what I think of him:
What kind of man would steal life from the mother of his children???
Imagine the thrill of this demon as he planned my death the first time around. Imagine the depravity of a person who spent at least SIX months acting like my best friend all because he knew in his mind and heart that he had secured an end to my life but he was playing the role of ‘good father’ to his children until he got to send my soul to heaven while splattering my body across any adjacent structure.
I wish his soul was tortured for his acts, but it isn’t. From the depths of whatever hell it is to be in prison, he is there now delighting in planning his next move. He is a slave of his own depraved mind with no regard for his own children or any other good and decent person in the world. Not only have I forgiven him, but I pity him for every breath he takes.
Even when he is released, he will still be in prison – one of his own design and no doubt, he will find it delightful and even be more secure in the knowledge he now has some expert knowledge about where he went wrong the first time around. Meanwhile, The System he is in relentlessly strives to put me in prison, too. Only I am in control of my own release from Hell so I am speaking directly, and publicly about it now for the first time in a really personal way, because what do I have to lose?
My path to freedom begins with walking out of this cell and using the rest of my days as I choose to – helping others escape from Hell if it is at all in my power to do so. You see, the “Offenders” have many more right and protections than their Victims do once an arrest is made. The first thing that the cops say to someone they are arresting is, “You have the right to remain silent”… but, as most people will never realize, that is a protection for the criminals and a warning to the victims (and their survivors) to STFU.
Yeah, I know… The Law. Whatever. Here goes: There is a permanent Protective Order in place, but we all know it won’t stop a bomb or a bullet. He can come after me to finish what he started, but know this:
His future of redemption, and leading a life of respect and decency begins with doing the right thing and staying right there in the prison he made for himself – whether or not that is literally behind bars.
If he comes after me, he will face my wrath, and I will have the full backing of all God’s angels and all the demons of hell to bring against him. My children, my friends, my family, my neighbors, and every kind and decent person of my community will strive to make his life a living hell that makes time in prison look like a trip to Disneyland. He will never know the compassion and mercy that has been extended to me and to my daughters based on the suffering we now endure.
He will never know the thrill of seeing my Daughters achieve unimaginable goals and experiencing victories that most people will never know. Make no mistake, these children are mine and mine alone. I take no credit for their accomplishments, but I do take pride in them, and I deserve every second of it. I don’t ‘parent’ well, but I have moved both Heaven and Earth to remove negative issues so they can seek the Positive on their own, unencumbered by the shit storm their ‘father’ brought to our doorstep, AND THE SUBSEQUENT BULLSHIT BROUGHT ON BY THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM.
If there was a shred of a soul in that man or any remorse, he would willingly stay right where he is until he knew he was no longer a danger to anyone decent person in the world. I know what he has done, even from prison: writing letters to people, trying to commit more criminal acts to steal money I need to raise my daughters. I have copies of the letters, I know what he has said about me and what his goals are regarding my continued survival. I have tried to alert “the authorities” about his efforts, but they have all ignored me and are hell-bent on his release this time around.
Last year, I attempted to participate in the Victim/offender mediation program and it clearly didn’t go well. While he obviously knows the ‘right things’ to say to the parole board, he showed his true colors when surprised with a conversation by an advocate working on behalf of me and my children.
I was prepared to share with him all of their accomplishments – even pictures of them if he had shown a shred of remorse, but that will never happen now… See, these kids are my sources of pride, and I won’t give him any way to take pride in their achievements because while I desperately hoped that he had an interest in them, he didn’t. He never even inquired about their well being, he, did, however, focus on stating that he, ‘knows we are in Nebraska’… which, we are clearly NOT.
If and when he comes after me, all the people who know and love my daughters and I will recognize him by his blackened soul if not by the mug shots that everyone in town will have seen before he ever hits state line. He’s a coward, but a clever one and we all know he is coming, so Let Him. Come after me, please and be famous in a real bad way. The second he hits fresh air, people are watching out for me and mine. Violating conditions of release for one single second will make phones ring all over the country to protect me, his former Mistress and all of our children. It is clear, she is his first target, and while I have plenty of animosity towards her, I in no way wish death upon her and I have taken every available legal action within my reach to make sure she knows that He. Is. A. Threat.
I am above all else, a selfish asshole in this regard, in that I know when he figures out she has moved on… he will be all the more determined to take his frustration and disappointment out on me. She is a raging pile of shit, in my opinion, but, Bless Her Heart, she’s my canary in the coal mine.
He might believe that it is better to ask forgiveness than permission, but the people I work with aren’t going to let the Criminal Justice gag us on their bullshit or his anymore. Trust me when I say that no one who knows what I have been through will allow it to happen again either to myself or to anyone else that he believes has any shred of loyalty to you or respect for him. We are as safe now as we ever will be, and I will not stop talking about it until he shuts my mouth for good.