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Cougars Aren’t Real

April 20, 2015

I read the BRILLIANT ROK article about Cougars(TM)  here  and as a rumored-Cougar-post-Wall-Mother-of-Three-Daughters… Read it, please, before you proceed. The stereotypes are nailed! Even the maybe-a-little-too-true things are really dead on.

I had my adventures with the younger set. Who can forget B?


Mainly because he is STILL fucking stalking me. Like that lint on the lint roller. I am apparently stuck with him.

Bike Boy healed me in ways that have nothing to do with B, and though he disappeared off the face of the planet, I don’t regret one second of it. My daughters still talk about him, especially Bike Brat, and Apple still talks about Bike Boy’s dad. The pictures are still on the wall in my house, and on the fridge. no one questions it here IRL, so don’t be the asshole that mentions it in the comments… On with the blog…

Like Donovan had his glimpse into the mythology of Cougars with “Marsha”, the relationships I have already written about on this blog, were my introduction into being labelled as a “Cougar”.  Reading the article was like being a fly on the wall and hearing what people really think about me.

APTOPIX Winter Weather

Yep… SNOWFLAKING IMMINENTand 100% of Fisking the ROK article. 

1. “All Cougars are hot!”

Hell yes they are…. in the MSM everyone is hot (unless you’re are a dad on a sitcom or a Southerner after a tornado or a flood-then you are a fat pile of stupidity.)

We are choking in images of hot people. Men, women, children, babies…. everything in the media is pretty or cute except the ‘outliers’ of Honey Boo-Boo and their ilk. Seriously? This is a real myth? Does anyone think that men with any self-worth prefer Day-Old to Fresh donuts? Come on, I am HOT ForMyAge….. but on the grand scale, 7 is the best I can hope for even if the low end of the scale is “People Of WalMart” 

2. “Cougars want sex all the time”

Who the hell wants sex All The Time? Give me a break. Some days, everyone was on your ass, or you were on your ass all day long; or on your knees, or on your back, or just tired of punching a clock. or hating your computer screen, hoping for a spark the next time you swing a hammer, dreading the next phone call…………..

Don’t men and women want the same thing? Most of us have to work hard. Whether it is hard physical labor or mentally exhausting, Sex All The Time isn’t something most people I know aspire to.

Nice shower, peace and quiet, control of the Remote and a nice meal…. then hot sex…. oh, yeah, baby… just the way we fantasize about it..with our partner doing the warm-up exercises while we lay back and enjoy it. but chaos reality ensues. Bills are due, we still have to check email, someone is working two jobs, the Cougar’s teenagers need rides home at two different times…. there are contractors who need drawings emails to be answered the lawn needs to be mowed… the soil warm enough to plant yet? Meeting? What meeting?????

3. “Older women don’t play games”

Human beings play games.  My theory is that what is classified as ‘Games’ to one set of people is really just a way of saying, “we didn’t want the same things”…. only without the benefit of introspection.

4. “Cougars are easy to game”

everything Donovan said, plus two years.

5. “Cougars never want relationships, just sex”

Once again Western culture and media rears its ugly head. Women grow old but they never grow up. The games and attention whoring aren’t going anywhere and neither is the desire for a relationship, no matter how strong and empowered they think they are. It’s in their blood.

Don’t get me wrong here. A couple of older ladies I fooled around with were in it purely for the sex. But most cougars I spent time with either directly or indirectly angled for exclusivity at one point or another.

Regardless of what a woman tells you, her end game is always a relationship. Even if she doesn’t go into a tryst with that intention and vocalizes this to you, her biological desires will always win out in the end.

Indeed. Just know that the relationship might not be with You, per se. The relationship she wants is the one she feels Entitled To Have.

6. “Dating sites are a great place to find hot and horny cougars!”

Or bitches like this. The tune is familiar and catchy…. the lyrics are terrifying!!!!!

So, if the End Goal is to find “Cougars” that meet all the expected myths…. why not Move On when you don’t get that old, dried up high-maintenance-overgrown-house-cat-cum-Cougar within your reach? The vast majority of “Cougars” around there parts aren’t even publicly acknowledged by Game&Parks. The real-entitled-bitches Cougars of these parts are ones who are divorced because they were “unhaaaaaaaaapy” and now they think they are Carrie Bradshaw.

I buy into the mythology, too. Even as a person who rarely wears make up (job related) I nevertheless feel that the ladies with perfect nails, and perfect hair, and perfect make up somehow *deserve* to have the best of everything.  Yes, even to the point that I will say that I sorta think ‘they’ deserve it more than me. These Myths seem to apply to all the worst superficial (and anti-superficial bullshit) The Feminista crowd wants you to believe that looks don’t matter then they see the stereotype of Cougar, and want you to treat all women as if they look like the image on TV… FAIL>>>

7. “Sex with cougars is always great!”

The baguette was made three days ago, several people have put mayonaise, butter and other condiments on it… so it is still pretty fresh…. BLEH….. Day. Old. Donuts. Old socks. Even the best ones wear out over time. (Sad, not shocking.) Men, if you are cool with leftovers, have at it. Ladies, if you think that HOT, YOUNG GUYS are there for the long haul, keep trying then on like irregular jeans at the outlet mall….  It won’t ever be a good fit either way.

Grow up.

The fact is, their vaginas don’t feel the same (yes, looser), their skin isn’t as tight or supple, and you are seldom able to pound the piss out of them like you would a tight young filly.

My, Gid, Man!!!! You have discovered the principle of Aging!!!

My, Gid, Man!!!! You have discovered the principle of Aging!!!

Seriously, men can’t possibly think their dicks feel the same to a partner as when they were younger. I mean, come on….. The only time your {{{{female or male}}}} body part is going to feel like a 20-year-old body part to your partner is when you are 20 years old.

All about that bitch….

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