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Time to Leave the Nest

June 10, 2014

After my “like a fish needs a bicycle” moment with Bike Boy, which lasted about, eh, about 4 days – Bike Boy and I resumed our almost-daily online conversations.  It had a little different twist after the friend-zone incident.  I had no filter whatsoever. Anything I felt, I expressed.  He never judged me, he encouraged me, he scolded me…all just conversation between friends with no pressure or need to hide any emotions.  He is a real person with integrity, morals, ethics… I almost never have to guess what he is thinking.  He has a real firm grasp on my ideals, my fears, my past.  Then came the car show; The Big One, where my place of employment is ground zero.

pic18

Yes, I detailed over four million dollars worth of cars in one week! 

A few days before the show,  Bike Boy asked about “Cruise Night”.  (For you non-car folks: Bigger car shows typically have a variety of festivities before the actual show to entertain folks who travel great distances.  Cruising, street dances, burn out contests, and drag races are fairly common activities.) The conversation boiled down to, “What are you making me for breakfast?” I was floored. When did this all change?  My “rules” – the ones that started the friend-zone interlude – were that I expected an exclusive, non-casual, and publicly acknowledged relationship before things progressed.  The result when I put that out there was ‘just friends’ oh, but the implications…

Needless to say it was a stressful week for me at work, but the anticipation of the weekend was a good counterbalance for that.  It all went well at work, and I was excited about Bike Boy visiting, but I knew that he would be showing up at work.  I would be hot, sweaty, dirty and tired when he arrived.  No chance of getting pretty like it was a ‘date’ and the place crawling with people there wasn’t really the option of being truly nervous about his arrival, I just slipped into a comfortable frame waiting for his arrival. Meanwhile, the car show participants, and the dealership family were arriving.

pic13My uniform shirt in the foreground with the car and hauler that my boss-man used to race when he was a younger guy

The place was absolutely crawling with people. Bike Boy was about 8 miles out when my phone went off.  I was in the service department and when I read the text, I blurted out, “What the FUCK” as I read it.  I didn’t just think it out loud, either, I said it out loud, out loud.  About 15 people stopped their conversations cold and looked my way.  Boss-man broke the uncomfortable silence while I contemplated smashing my phone into bits.

“What did B say to you?”

I just shot Boss-man The Look and slunk away.  Too much good happening to let it get me down.

 “please come to the show, I really want to see you – B” 

I didn’t respond.  Just then I saw Bike Boy drive past the showroom.  My fury at B quickly subsided.  Bike Boy walked in and then the text from B didn’t matter – if it would have mattered at all anyway.  We were going to cruise town in his sweet little hot rod. I was safe, happy, and didn’t really think about the text much.  Surely B (by now broken up with the girl he was banging would back off when he could see me with someone else) yeah, not so much…the texts continued well into Saturday, even after the event was over, and Bike Boy left for his home. Cruise night went off well.  I got a terifying ride in an absolute beast of a truck.  Big motors, tire smoke, Bike Boy and I chilling with my work family. Bike Boy knew lots of folks there, despite being from a couple of hours away. Nod of approval from my Boss-man.  It was really wonderful, and I got great pics of the whole thing… Bike Boy took my pic in this wickedly overpowered truck:

mrBrat3Terror and excitement all at once, but oh-so-fucking cool!!!!

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If you don’t like the smell of tire smoke, you need to re-evaluate your priorities in life…

After cruise night, we headed to my house.  Made fabulous supper, finally ate about midnight.  If you are a foodie: the burgers, grilled topped with vidalia onion rings that were wrapped in bacon and your favorite cheese are OMG… try it sometime.  Further details on this are private, other than to say if no one ever touches me again, I am cool with that being the last time in my life that anyone ever lays hands on me.  It might be one of my favorite memories…………………………… Ever. A very short night of sleep later, I got up early to start getting ready for the actual car show.  Breakfast was on the stove top,  a Southwest specialty.  Green Chile Spuds.  Fry the potatoes in butter, pile them with pork sausage, drown them in Hatch Green Chile sauce, and top them with shredded cheese and a fried egg. Breakfast food porn – and then the electricity went out before any of us had even showered. Oh, shit. We all forgot about it because we had to get to the car show.  Left the stove controls on…. nearly burnt the house down… but that is skipping ahead in the story By A Bunch.

I spent the day of the car show basically working, it wasn’t particularly unpleasant work, but I was “ON” all day – much like my stove which was left on all freaking day while Bike Boy and I were at the car show. (*Please let me know if you have a way to get rid of smoke smell – my house still reeks)  Bike Boy even noticed that I was “ON”…He asked if I am working all the time.  Yes, yes, I am almost always At Work.  Little did I know that was totally normal for people who have been through a big trauma.  Every day that I function as a normal person is a performance.  It’s the idea of “fake-it-until-you make-it” on steroids.  An extraordinary thing happened Saturday that nearly no one noticed.  I remembered who people were outside of my daily routine.  Normally, my world is confined to a very small, safe place.  The place I work, and my house.  Those are my safe zones.  Saturday was different. I remembered so many people, and greeted them warmly and with a smile or even a hug.  I knew their faces even outside the confines of my ‘office’.  I faked it so well that I started to feel like a person again.  A backwards sort of deja-vu, if you will. I went back to the time before my ex was arrested when I was a whole person.  Whole, without fear….today I learned how that happens and why.

I met with a lady who runs a big, big Victims’ advocacy program.  Not only did I get to share my story, but she taught me so much about myself.  She explained the neuro-biology to me.  She shared the stories of other victims, or survivors, and I was amazed.  I knew their stories already.  I understood their emotions and could feel what they they felt.  I was having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation, but there was more.  I was also growing.  The way I felt Saturday, the way I dealt with the crowd of people, and with Bike Boy and the presence of his parents, it was a sign that the parts of my brain that shut down five years ago are turning back on.  I am re-awakening.  It’s just like growing up again, only without the blessing of innocence that is present in little children.  The biological need for self-preservation as a main driver in my life is turning off.

Ivy, the lady who explained that to me, is a wonderful resource and she has a wealth of knowledge.  Things that I should have been told long ago, I learned today.  The notice that Bike Boy took of me being “at work” speaks volumes to my struggle to appear as a “normal” person, and to his knowledge of me as a person. He is the only one in my life that knew the my meeting with Ivy was a Big Deal, and the only one who sent words of encouragement before the meeting.  There is probably some fantastic and profound metaphor here about a guy who likes to take old broken things and make them whole again, but I don’t want to bother writing about it now.

Above all else, I want to thank everyone who reads this for being part of the road to becoming a whole new creation.  This blog has been my only voice for a while, but Ivy gave me the opportunity to become a speaker for her and the organization she represents.  I will reach far more people, and in the process, I will be learning about myself in addition to helping others – many more people than my little blog here could ever reach.  Thanks so much to everyone who reads this for following along and watching me grow up! (Oh, and fuck B – what a douchebag.)

Blessings to all 🙂

Stay tuned, it’s gonna get interesting

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Your little birdie is flying out of the nest. Ready to soar into the clouds and past the sun. 

 

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2 Comments
  1. Cowboy Hank permalink

    One could almost be envious at the rather adventurous circumstances you find yourself in.

    Almost.

    BTW – Between the pictures of cars, tractors, and mannequins, this is one of my favorite blogs.

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