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Try Not, Do Or Do Not

August 21, 2013

My new office is 30’x45′ in size.  Yep, so big you can part a truck in it and everything is waterproof.  Power washer, air hose, de-greaser, protect all and show-shine replace staplers, paperclips and a burning desire to stab someone in the eyeball with a gel ink pen….. The great part of this job, aside from the intense exhaustion and pain at the end of the day, is that not only is it a nice distraction from the emotional pain, but also shockingly rewarding for such a low-paying blue collar job.  I get to see my results instantly, in real time, vs. mentally wringing myself out and waiting for weeks or months to have anyone offer the slightest validation of my efforts, if they ever do; which they do not.  I wrote OSHA abatement letters for the numerous violations incurred by my last employer and was never thanked,even once.   By contrast, after working muscles Monday that I didn’t remember I had even though I am somewhat advanced in yoga, I went into work this morning where I was greeted by freshly baked pastries and thanks, plus, my vehicle (a miserable pile of crap that my ex husband wanted to kill me in with a bomb) was treated to a full work-up by the mechanics, free of charge, during their lunch hour. I completed my first detail job Tuesday on a truck that, even very well used, costs more than my house.

The engine compartment, the door jambs, the underneath side of the hood, the inside of the glove box, the fuel door, the vanity mirrors, the under-freaking side of the seats… all must be spotlessly clean. Yeah, it is mindless manual labor, but when I left Monday night, I was tired from going up and down the heavy wooden steps all day; around and around the vehicle and I felt a little hopeless because it was a damnable mess.  When I got there Tuesday morning, the engine looked like almost new. “Victory!”

Oh, but no one who reads this wants to know about detailing a vehicle, not just washing it a bit like we all do with our own stuff… Never fear, I had another fresh round of hell waiting for me Monday night. During an intense round of texts from B, which he initiated, I got a message from another friend asking me to spend $ on a bus ticket for an imminently homeless sister in another state.  I Do Not have the Money for That, and my heart is being ripped out, my soul crushed and my spirit broken right now…. I do not want to help you.  AND, I did it anyway, while sobbing nearly uncontrollably over the onslaught of messages from B…watch the hamster spin, baby, spin:

B: “Whatcha up to?”

“Exhausted from my new job, and so tired I can barely type, I shouldn’t say this, but I miss you and want things back like they were. Sorry. I know you have moved on.”

B: “Where are you working”

“Hell, after what I just said, that is all you have to say???”

B: “I do care about you, just want to make sure”

“Make sure, you mean so you can send someone after me?”

B:”Of course not, I am done wrecking your life”

“Why the F text me then? You don’t care at all”

B:”Yes, I do I just need time to do this all on my own.  You still can’t see that I love you and i always will”

“Then why are you doing this? One day everything was fine and then you instantly changed.  WTF? A few minutes on the phone w your dad and you were GONE”

B: “Look, I do not know what you are to me. I have alot of maturing to do. I can’t have my own family yet.”

“You already took on a family, we were there for 8 months.  We spent every night together, and FFS it cost me a shit ton of money then  you vanished”

b: “I am sorry for you and the girls I miss all of you. Super sorry for all of this. I just have to do this alone.”

“Do what “alone”? Don’t you care that you crushed my soul and that the girls sleep with me because they are worried I cry all night? Are you really this fucking heartless?”

B: “yeah, , I am tired, good night”

“WTH? You have never gone to bed this early.  What aren’t you saying? You aren’t even making sense”

and then, silence.  Nothing last night, nothing today….nothing, nothing, nothing…..  Translations welcome.  I already know I screwed this up, but… what the hell????? Why this conversation? All the while, I was online coordinating a trip for a friend who used to live here, buying a bus ticket for her sister who is truly screwed up…. Called into service for others with no freaking benefit, while wanting to hate humanity with all my heart… My friends’ sister will arrive at her house at 3 tomorrow, on my dime…. I will sleep alone, and maybe B will to…. but Who The Hell Knows? Is he abused (reference previous posts) or is he another lying sack of crap?





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  1. David Sutton permalink

    I think you nailed it with the “lying sack of crap” remark. That he allows himself to be beaten emotionally by a manipulating, psychotic, control freak shows himself to be immature and unworthy. Believe that.

  2. Yeah, David. It still sucks. As an added bonus, I got a NASTY message on fb from his sister last night. A child of his father’s first marriage who I have never met and B only mentioned her in passing… the gist of it was, “Bitch, your comments about my brother and my father are in poor taste, STFU. They are going through a hell you have never imagined.”… ummmm,, she’s joining the game a little late, and clearly knows nothing about me…. As a person who has followed me from the start, and thus, know a little more about me than this ‘sister’ – your advice on what I might choose to do in response would be humbly appreciated..

  3. Peregrine John permalink

    Lordy. I go away for a few days and things somehow get even weirder! His whole family seems to be in on the wackiness.

    On the up side, (a) if anything’s going to break B out of the pattern, this is it; (b) if not, at least you’ll know for sure; and (c) FaceBook has, I believe, a way to block lunatic siblings from even contacting you again.

  4. You can’t fix Beta.

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