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Deconstructing Beta

May 3, 2013

“We spend a lot of time pointing out the flaws of the beta male and the reasons why any self-respecting man ought to avoid resembling one. What we less often do, however, is examine just how it is such men are produced.”
Athlone McGinnis on Return of Kings
I have to wholeheartedly agree with many of the commenters on the ROK post who just couldn’t bear to watch. I didn’t watch the video because just reading about it made me feel some odd mixture of physically ill, deep sadness and blind rage. It was the commentary expressed by earl and doclove that resonated most with me. Here, edited, is what they had to say:

“Sad…that’s why you shouldn’t be so quick to pile on betas for their behaviors.
It takes a lot to overcome that type of brainwashing…especially from your own mother.”

“Amen. You are behaving like a good man with that comment. If these Betas and Omegas had a clue, then they would be one step closer to becoming Alphas. I’m not saying that they would be Alphas, but even if they remained betas and omegas with the ladies or amongst other men, then they would be less considerably likely to average frustrated chumps.
No one is more Alpha for abusing or bullying betas or omegas. I’m not saying don’t be harsh on them, but at least explain why you are doing what you are doing, that you would genuinely like them to improve in the ways you specify and don’t make it personally gratifying. Remember, but for the grace of God(or sheer dumb luck if you’re an atheist) there go I, you or him. If you are unable or worse unwilling to help them, then that’s fine too. We as men should either leave [our] fellow man in peace or help him if he has not harmed us as much as possible. Do unto others as you would have done unto you, or at the very least [do] not do unto others as you would not have done unto you. …”

Yes. Please, please, help other men. As much vitriol is spouted by Red Pill men about women, and particularly single moms, I hope if any of you read this you won’t be too harsh on me for sharing my thoughts. (Snowflake alert here.)
Betas are not exclusively built by single moms. Some betas are built by their fathers, who have lived lives in supplication to women and that built-up frustration of constantly being undermined and overruled leads fathers to subjugate and brainwash their sons into lives of miserable submission as well. It is a particularly vicious cycle that only other men can effectively stop, but consider what happens to a red pill woman who has a wonderful, skilled, funny and smart beta male who desperately needs the support of other men to reverse the damage…
If Susan Walsh wants to “Build a better beta” then I want to deconstruct one and reverse the damage. The wonderful men in the manosphere do a great job of dispensing advice to men who need Game, but what are you doing other than being keyboard warriors?

In my position as a single mom, who emphatically knows that my 3 daughters need the influence of a good man, I was fully prepared for a life of having to be both mom and dad. I never spoke of the girls’ dad as being a bad person. I did not project my hatred of him onto men in general. One deeply flawed person does not make all men bad.
In the course of trying to break myself free of victim mentality, I discovered the Red Pill. I understood that being pleasant, kind, and feminine would help me heal. Because of the sentiment that single moms are unworthy of decent, high-value, Alpha men, I just took on the mentality that I would teach my daughters the lessons that I had learned in hopes that they would have a better life. I never thought that some man of any worth would suddenly interject himself into my life.

Having previously introduced himself on facebook, one day a kind, lovely man introduced himself in person, in my office. I agreed to a date, despite having a strict no-dating-guys-at-work policy. I asked him to order my dinner, and he was clearly out of his element, and intimidated by that. Danm. I was clearly in the presence of a Man-Trained-To-Be-Nice.

He rose to the occasion. I didn’t reject him because there was some spark of manhood there leading him to have the stones to walk into my office in the first place, I had Hope. Turned out that he had me on a ridiculously high pedestal. Being an affirmed nerd, I printed out some Red Pill articles for him to read. I started wearing dresses and cooking for him at home. I made a concerted effort to be that girl. I stopped reading exclusively male-written manosphere blogs. I wanted the advice of women who were seeking good men. Surprisingly, most of the really great women are already married.
So how does a woman who knows how to be a good wife deconstruct a beta? I don’t know. I am trying, but I have to constantly be on guard to not act as Mother and I am ever on guard for opportunities to be Lover and Supporter, even when I know that I could intervene and take control. It Is Hard Work to STFU sometimes.
My only relevant point here is that women, you CAN gently show a beta what he CAN be. He won’t “get it” overnight. You must be dedicated to being a Nice Girl, allow him to make every decision and ENTHUSIASTICALLY reward him for it. Gradually, he will make decisions that you disagree with… you have to cry, be sad, or whatever negative thing you emotionally feel, but thank and reward him for his bravery and wisdom in making the decision, even if it is horribly wrong.

(Blow jobs are a nice touch… just saying. Warning: Sex is not a reward, it’s a given. Never withhold, only give.)
In the midst of “training my beta” one night, we met the Shrew. At a friend’s house, a fat chick came in and immediately announced her dissatisfaction with her husband. She belittled her husband, loud and proud, called him a childish dipshit and I moved quickly to the other side of the room to be next to my darling beta. Without skipping a beat, he put his arm around my waist and thanked everyone for their hospitality. When my lovely beta was questioned about our sudden departure, he didn’t miss a beat! He said, Out Loud, In Front of Everyone Present, “My Baby doesn’t want to be in the same place as a woman who talks shit about a man” Guess, I better stop calling him ‘lovely beta’ soon???

Be pretty, kind and grateful, eventually he will realize his value as a Leader and he will take the lead. Women’s quest for “equality” has done much damage to men’s self-views, but it can be undone.
Women, be consciously nice and serve your men!
Men, help your brothers see that women want to have someone too look up to!
We gals can’t look up to a man who puts us on a pedestal!
ROK guys, thanks a million for helping reprogram your brothers!

  1. darlingdoll permalink

    “Because of the sentiment that single moms are unworthy of decent, high-value, Alpha men…”~ It seems that your situation and why you are a single mother is unique and I don’t think any man would fault you for it.

    You are spot on, deprogramming beta behavior takes time. All you can do is encourage alpha behavior, let him lead and be your feminine, supportive self. Great post!

  2. Thanks DD, I wanted to make sure if was clear that I didn’t leave a marriage over being “unhaaaapy”.

    I Do, want to highlight that so-called ‘betas’ are often a product of circumstance, not some awful weakness.or innate flaw. When a feminine woman shows them interest their ‘manhood’ does come out.

    I really appreciate you reading!

  3. Oh, all right. I’ll do it.

  4. Glad my comment made an impression. There are many ways the male spirit can be extinguished…fathers, mothers, society, media, wives, eating garbage, being lazy.

    Personally…I was what you would call a beta before I came to these parts and I would have to say it was all because of societal brainwashing. Which is why I can’t pile on those guys. Now I try to give them doses of red pill by the way I live. It’s up to them to be humble and use logic to see that things are screwed up…or stay prideful and believe whatever they want to believe. From the sound of things though…it seems women being feminine would work faster.

  5. Earl, I do not know if it would work faster, but women reclaiming their femininity or men (in the manoshpere) can’t fix this. Overcoming the brainwashing that comes from upbringing or culture will take effort on both sides.
    I hope you can tell from my post that my heart breaks for men who just want a woman and family who love them as they should be loved. There are men in my life that I know would benefit from learning that women are craving guidance, but it is super-scary on both sides. Taking the lead and surrendering control in contrast to our current cultural norms is a test of strength on both sides!

  6. Jeremy permalink

    This is an entirely valid and altogether impossible-to-satisfy request. I praise your ability to generate a relevant and cogent question and I concurrently denounce the fantasy that any such alpha-generation manual could exist.

    Everyone is unique, so that path to “alpha-hood” is going to be as unique as some nonlinear function involving 6 unknown bodies.

    I don’t agree that only men can reverse beta-ism, If I did agree with that, then I would truly have no advice for you, lady.

    This is a difficult topic. It’s difficult for a number of reasons, mostly it’s just very personal. How a guy was turned into a Beta is very different for each guy and quite personal. Some men hold childhood trauma that they don’t even realize they’re holding in, and that’s making them beta. Some guys will, rather than dealing with that trauma, literally fight any attempt to make them alpha (I am not making this up). I do not believe most guys are like this, so I think there’s room to make progress.

    What makes a man an alpha is that he leads, he accepts responsibility, and is rewarded for his success. This does not mean that rewards are “owed” but it does mean that without such rewards appropriately *gifted*, you will get no alpha. It is no accident that men create heirarchical meritocracies wherever they organize, it is probably meta-encoded in the DNA. What this means is that with no reward, you’ll get no output. There must be individual “glory” at behaving a certain way, or men will simply do nothing. Even the betas and omegas operate under this principle, but unfortunately their view on what they must do to achieve glory is entirely distorted, so they do not do what would be alpha.

    I am not the person to answer this question. I have a lot more thinking to do on this topic before I could possibly offer good advice. If I were to try to find behaviors to try to bring alpha behavior out of a boyfriend/husband, I would listen to Mr Ironwood, and possibly Dalrock.

    I know that if my wife/girlfriend started bringing up important life-topics, like say, future finances, and then spent much of the conversation agreeing with me even if she might secretly have reservations, I would feel more alpha.

    I know that if my wife/girlfriend said she wanted to take a vacation, and said she loved my suggestions on where to go and added on her own version of fun on top of that, I would feel more alpha.

    I know that if my wife/girlfriend always asked me to drive, I would feel more alpha.

    I know that if my wife/girlfriend never withheld sex, I would feel more alpha.

    I know that if my wife/girlfriend said she was sorry for spending too much, and she’ll be more economical in the future, I would feel more alpha.

    I know that if my wife/girlfriend apologized for getting her laptop screwed up with viruses/spyware/malware for the Xth time and promised a reward for me fixing it again, I would feel more alpha.

    I know that if my wife/girlfriend told me she were getting in good shape specifically because she wanted to always cause a physical reaction in me, I would feel more alpha.

    I know that if my wife/girlfriend never contradicted or attempted to humiliate me in public, I would feel more alpha.

    I know that if my wife/girlfriend expressed genuine appreciation for every bit of physical labor I gave to her, be it a weekend of yard work, or just reaching up to a high shelf, I would feel more alpha.

    I know that if my wife/girlfriend allowed me and my sons to fail on our own every so often, without comment or i-told-you-so, or manipulation or coddling, I would feel more alpha and I would feel like my sons were on the right path.

    Remember ladies, you are gifted at having value to society just because you were born a woman and can make a new generation. Men are different, their value is only increased through self-recognized failure. If you don’t let your sons fail you are harming their future. If you don’t let your hubby/boyfriend make and deal with poor decisions, you are destroying any chance at him behaving as an alpha for you.

    • I can’t leave it there, because it’s one-sided.

      I know that if I…
      … work out and see my strength growing, I feel more alpha.
      … take ownership of a task and see it through to completion/recognition, I feel more alpha.
      … initiate contact with a woman who accepts my contact, I feel more alpha.
      … take charge of lovemaking and receive no barriers to entry, I feel more alpha.
      … initiate a crazy lifelong project and see it through, I feel more alpha.
      … take responsibility (not necessarily praise) for my wife/girlfriend’s and/or children’s behavior, be it good or bad, I feel more alpha.
      … win a race, I feel more alpha.
      … get promoted, I feel more alpha.
      … learn a new skillset, I feel more alpha.
      … save enough cash/assets to be free of worry from layoffs, I feel more alpha.
      … recognize my own failure on my own, and diagnose it’s cause, I feel more alpha.

      • Jeremy, you have done of fine job of simply illustrating both sides. My wish is to highlight those things that you have enumerated at helping you feel more Alpha – especially the part that women can play in supporting those feelings in the men in their lives.

        I want You to be a strong, confident man, but it is not my place or intention to tell you how that is done. Plenty of Men write for the benefit of other men. I want your woman, and women in general to see that “Alpha” isn’t a dolly that comes out of a box, ready-made, with no flaws. People are all damaged but personal responsibility is King. Men will work on being men, but women (who know they need strong men) can encourage that behavior through their actions.

        Win-win, admittedly with many trials along the way.

  7. Ian, dalrock and several others are very good at giving advice to men. I only want to attempt to show that women can (possibly) through their behavior *encourage* men to re-find and embrace their own masculinity.

    The difficulty that I see is not that men are inherently beta, but maybe that only the “nice guy” traits have been rewarded. Women have to consciously make an effort to not belittle men as a bare minimum and first step. I do not intend to make any kind of “build and Alpha” roadmap, but at a bare minimum, I think that I can offer some insight into what may encourage men in enjoying their own strengths.

  8. earl permalink

    “Men are different, their value is only increased through self-recognized failure.”

    Funny you said that…I told my dance instructor I have to screw up dancing to learn how to do it right. It stopped her condescending looks at me when I did something wrong.

  9. Jeremy and Earl, please take a look at that post, if for no other reason than to see the picture of the Enormous bird crap that was on my windshield when I left the book store… The wipers could have been easily fixed before I left, but life interfered and they weren’t. I didn’t get mad, I just made adjustments for safety, put away the groceries, and before supper, my guy made sure that I would never have to hand wash my window so I could see again.

    It’s a big dance, no one will notice if you get a few step wrong as long as you have a good partner.

    I really do appreciate the insights that you men have to offer, which also makes me wonder… where are the women I hoped to reach?

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